Mippo's Guide To Hippos

Everything you ever need to know about hippos.
Some vague, perhaps made up, "facts" about hippos.

So, I was asked to do a guide to hippos, but to be honest I'm quite lazy. So I procrastinated a lot, and instead ate a load of cake while watching Spaced over and over again, and then suddenly the deadline had crept up on me. I bet you'll know exactly how that is. So instead I put "hippo" into google image search and have picked a few of my favourite pictures I got from there to comment on. I'm hosting the pictures myself so I'm not leeching bandwidth, and I've made each of the pictures link back to the original site, so please don't sue me hippo fans!

I think some of the sites the hippo pictures came from actually don't exist any more, so if the links don't work, it's because the site has moved, not because I've made a mistake, so no complaints please. Also, while I've tried to leave the pictures I've put up unedited, but I've had to censor a couple - I have no problem with bad language myself, but I have to protect the baby hippos and also myself from anyone out there who might complain. If these pictures belong to you and you'd like them recredited, or removed or something just ask. As always, I can take no responsibility for the content of external sites.

Now on with the hippos!

Ooh my, what a giant orange hippo! Anyone else wanting to use the outhouse better get out of his way! In fact if you're ever in a queue with a hippo for anything, you're better off letting them go first. We're notoriously impatient, no matter how cute and orange we may be.

Anyway, in my view, the bigger the hippo, the better, so this one meets my demands perfectly (and there are too many commas in this sentence). And it does help that this hippo is quite gorgeously drawn too. I think I'd rather like to meet this hippo and maybe go out for a drink and perhaps later a nice wallow.

A very nice hippo to start this guide off with.

What a very nice squishy green hippo this looks like. He's a very pleasant shade of green and has a lovely sparkle of wit in his eyes which is rather reminiscent of yours truly. I'd guess, as a hippo, he is more advanced in age than most, mostly from the laughter lines around his eyes, but he has obviously had a lovely life full of joy and mirth.

Now while he might seem slightly two dimensional to some, they couldn't be more wrong. Age has brought wisdom in this case and I'd love to spend an evening in the pub debating the meaning of life with this hippo!

Hmm... a stress hippo... I'm not sure what to think about this human image of a hippo, the blank look in the eyes, the gormless look of his general face, it suggests stupidity in a hippo. However he has a lovely shiny black coat, and of course being a hippo is infinitely preferable to be a cat or a dog or whatnot. So I have mixed feelings here.

I am however intrigued by the tattoo which is just visible on his back. What on earth could that say? "Hippos rule"? "Hippos rock"? "Mippo for President"? I guess we just don't know at the moment, but I rather suspect it is the latter slogan. It's just so darn catchy!

Now this is just a beautiful example of a hippo, which perfectly captures the indescribable melancholy we hippos are sometimes burdened with. It's impossible to explain to you humans, but a hippo will know exactly what I am talking about.

However all hope is not lost - see the spark in his eyes! The lovely fluffy hair and tail! A masterpiece of a hippo, indeed! Stunningly thought out and drawn, no doubt by a very talented hippo. A higher level of hippo art.

Now, this is a punk rock hippo with an attitude I admire. He doesn't take any hassle from anyone and his little birdie companion obviously worships him for this. Somebody get this hippo some food!

It goes without saying that if this hippo was, god forbid, a human, he could be one of the more cooler of humans - Samuel L Jackson of course!

Wow! What a very minimalist hippo we have here. No clutter, lots of light and airy space, very roomy. Just the sort of house you'd like to live in. Except it's a hippo. All he really needs is some wooden flooring and an exposed brick chimney and he's the ideal "after" result of a TV makeover show!

It's a very accurately drawn hippo, and I especially like his feet. He has a very nice slightly bemused facial expression too. No doubt he is pondering the infinite meaning of existence while also wondering what on earth the person with the pencil is doing drawing him.

I like this "piggy-bank" hippo a lot. She's a nice solid stodgy hippo, who has obviously been lovingly made. She works unquestioningly day and day out for her human masters guarding their money for them, never once complaining. Truly a hippo to be commended for her work ethic and dependability. No-one would dare try and steal any money while she is on duty! As the proverb goes: "Never try and steal from hippo. You will fail."

And despite being a working hippo, she most definitely hasn't lost her looks. She's still making the effort, and is looking lovely if I may say so. Look at the wonderful shine of her coat, the beautiful curve of her belly, her wonderful broad nose and the cheeky glint in her eye. She's hot and she knows it. If I ever were lucky enough to meet here I would most definitely ask her out for a drink. Any hippo associated with this lady is a lucky hippo indeed.

Now, what on earth can I say about this hippo? Surely his facial expression says it all: his love of life, and joy at being a hippo. And he is right. To be a hippo is to be a member of the upper echelons of global society. No-one would dare say no to a hippo, and quite rightly so - most hippos are guardians of truth and wisdom and should be respected.

Hopefully all hippos share this love of hippodom and perhaps one day humans will have evolved to the point where they can be as proud of being humans as we are of being hippos.

Ooh! Look at this beast of a hippo! A true hippo's hippo indeed! So here's a hippo enjoying one of the things many hippos like most - a good swim. I'd rather be swimming right now too, actually now you mention it! Look how delicate and elegant we are in the water - we are a truly formidable opponent on both land and in water (though perhaps less so in the air). We truly are at home when we are submerged, and the only thing we like better is sitting down on the sofa under a duvet and watching something good on telly.

This is quite funny, as adding an element of hippo to anything does make it much better. However it also panders to the modern media stereotype that skinny is good. This is wrong and putting unrealistic pressure on both people and hippos to conform to a certain unattainable idea of beauty. Don't kill yourself trying to be someone you're not - as long as you are a healthy weight, who cares if you're not exactly right - I'm a lardy sod myself and happy with it. What's life without a bit of cake?

Now, this was utterly my favourite advert for a long time, purely for it's hippo content. There definitely aren't enough hippos in the media, and when they are about they are usually synonymous with gluttony and obesity, which I object to. I'm cuddly, I am! The ladies love it! But in this advert the hippo is shown as, well, clean. Which is too true, we are a very fastidious species. Never stop tidying or doing the washing up. Which links back to the dishwasher I suppose.

However, I do worry about the safety issues of a hippo in a dishwasher. What if someone had left a sharp knife in the bottom? Or worse still, what if some cruel soul came and shut the door and switched the machine on? Now, as much as we hippos like water, we don't like it heated to 100 degrees and full of soap! So don't try this at home, kiddies, or the hippo may have to gore you to death.

Now, the first thing I must point out is that I don't condone this little hippo's attitude to his elder hippo companion. You should always respect the older generation, mainly because they are much bigger than you, so if they sit on you they will do a lot of damage. However I find it very difficult to fault the little fella because is just too darn cute (so cute in fact, I've started talking like Kryten from Red Dwarf).

Just look at the wee guy's face! His pert little ears, sparkly eyes and expression of sheer glee. He's happy to be alive and happy to be a hippo. Which is understandable, really, because to be a hippo is to be really, really cool. He's just an adorable little chap who is pleased with his lot in life. So kudos to you, little hippo, you do indeed rock.

Aw, this poor little hippo is tired and taking a rest against a stool. Go find a sofa and have a nice lie down, mate, and perhaps a cup of tea. Being a hippo is hard work, you know!

Waking up, having a snack, going for a wallow, having a little nap, eating a bit more, having a "power-rest", having breakfast. It's all work, work, work. So take a break, you deserve it! Oh, and I like your flower, it's very pretty, it suits you, you know. Have you lost weight? New shoes? I like them.

Look at this happy chappie! He's large and in charge, and proud of it too! And so he should be, for he is a hippo, king of all animals!

His chubby little cheeks and crossed eyes belie a sharp with and fierce intelligence. He wants you to underestimate him, and then POW!!! - he pounces, and it's his lunch time - yummy!

Do humans taste like chicken, or do chickens taste like humans? It's the eternal conundrum for a hippo. So in the end we normally just stick to cake.

Now, this is just a wonder to behold. With a little bit of effort and skill an ordinary, boring piece of paper can suddenly become a fantastic hippo! If only it was that easy for everyone, no?

I've also seen a few 3D paper hippos out there, but none of them quite had the charm of this little fellow here, lovely as they were. The only thing would be to keep him away from fire. Hippos are known pyromaniacs and this could spell disaster for this inflammable little dear.

Rarr! Another stud of a hippo, almost up to the massively high standards set by yours truly. Lady hippos beware!! Your hearts may ACTUALLY melt! Don't say I haven't warned you!

Look at those eyes - the general look of disdain for all other species. And those mighty manly hippo lips. Ooh I do say, I've come over all funny. I think I might have to lie down for a bit.

Ok, I'm back again, and I'm immune to his charm this time. Where was I? Oh yes, this is a definite cool cat of a hippo, who may actually be a close second to myself in terms of manliness.

Oh, what a sweet little hippo, she's a little bit shy, bashful even, perhaps, so she is hiding behind some plants. No need to be shy, dear, you are a fine specimen of a hippo.

Being a hippo, this means she can get away with wearing any colour she likes, and the purple looks lovely, I do have to say. My only advice is to just be careful you don't dry out under that sun, it hurts like hell, and you can never find enough moisturiser or someone willing to rub it in.

Oh, and another hippo swimming. I told you we liked to swim - it keeps our skin nice and lubricated. And it's a good low impact cardiovascular exercise routine. Did I just say that? It must be the lack of fat in my bloodstream. I need some chips. Anyway, good on you for enjoying your life and having a nice swim. I wish I could go swimming a bit more often, but I have a few problems to do with that. Let's just say pools aren't too keen on having a hippo in while they're doing an Under-Five's Class. Perhaps I shouldn't have been bombing...

Now from this angle, the face of this hippo reminds me slightly of myself. However my body is nice and firm rather than floppy and squishy, and also I'm not green. However this doesn't stop this hippo from being rather cute. He has nice perky ears and a rather nice tail (though again, not as nice as mine). I bet he's very nice to cuddle with. So if you can't find yourself another Mippo, and since I'm a one off character I doubt you will be able to, I'm sure this guy would be more than happy to keep you company on a cold winters evening.

Ah, what a lovely little hippo, innocent and pure as snow. Any child would be happy to have their presence graced by such a pretty little hippo. Just look at the lovely curled ears, the spark of intelligence in the eyes, and the curve of her loving motherly smile.

However, I would question the choice of giving a hippo to a small child, as were a tough, rough and occaisionally world renound killers. But this guy looks a lovely kind soul, so I'm sure the baby should be well looked after here.

This is another one of the lovely ladies I wouldn't complain if I met in a dark alley, though I'd question what she was doing there. No matter, hippos can take good care of themselves. She really is very pretty, and I'd love to take her out for a cup of tea and a bit of cake any day.

Rarr! Now this is an awesome hippo. Can't you just hear him yelling "rarr! I am scary!" at you. And scared you should be. We hippos are renowned for our tempers and general scaryness. If I were you I'd avoid getting on the bad side of a hippo, it may be the last thing you ever do!

'What are those big teeth for?' I hear you ask in a vaguely Red Riding Hood way. For eating you with of course! And look at his tail wagging and the manic glint in his eyes, you know he'd enjoy it! This is one hippo you do not want to mess with! Run away now - he rocks!!

Ooh, a lovely stylistic hippo, showing that hippos are a thing of beauty as well as occasional brutality. He is made from silver - only the best of all the precious metals to model the best of all the beasts of course - this is a fitting tribute to your favourite animal. His lines are lovely, including the little curl of his belly, and his little spiky mane.

In fact, this is a very good idea, to have a hippo brooch. Show your solidarity with hippos by wearing one today. If you can't buy one, make one out of cardboard and tin foil in a Blue Peter styleeeee. The only thing that matters is that it's a hippo. As long as it's a hippo, you will no doubt look lovely. A hippo will brighten up any outfit, no matter how rubbish.

Oh, look at this little hippo - isn't he lovely? He's really captured a place in my heart. Look at his lovely little teeth, and his expression of glee at just being in the water. Doesn't it just melt that shard of ice you call a heart?

This is a lovely hippo to end the guide on, because he does just show the unadulterated joy you can get from being a hippo. Now obviously, if you're not a hippo, it's pretty hard to become one, but you can get into a more hippo-like mindset if you try. And then one day you shall be as happy as this fellow here. Isn't that more than anyone can ask for? And what a handsome bloke this chap is too.

So that's the end of my guide to hippos. Are there any hippos I've missed out on? Have you got a hippo that should be up here? If so, tell me either via of the forum or via .

So, more hippos may appear here in the future, and you never know, I might even do a proper guide to hippos at some point...

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