Tea Castle - A biography.
Find out about the lovely ladies of Tea Castle.
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Ms Caged Liberty started off life as she meant to go on, ignoring the other children at nursery school and barricading herself in the crawl tunnel with a pile of picture books, flinging shoes and murderous glances to keep them at bay. Completing her first novel at the age of four through dictation she was a gifted child, as one day the world will see as they read that first glimpse into a fantastic mind and debate what the tale of the Octopus and the Table has to offer on global politics. Later, by her own fine hand she would pen what is arguably her finest work to this day, aged five, by the window of a rainy caravan in St Andrews - an Enid Blyton-esque escapist adventure about a collie. Rumours of subliminal messages have yet to be confirmed by the author, who refuses all interviews.
It is the mysterious secrecy of the writer that encourages intrusion into her private life, which has revealed to some extent what drives the woman behind the typewriter - yet reports are often contradictory and at times alarming, occasionally delving deeply into the absurd. What is the truth behind the feline scandal? It's that time again Bob as we RAID CELEBRITIES’ BINS!
{So, Bob, tell me - what did our team of expert raiders find this time?}
{Well, Hank, it's a little tamer this time around. No cat treats to be found anywhere this time! Instead we found only nine bottles of red wine and the remnants of a packet of biscuits. How disappointing!}
The school years of the young Ms Liberty are well documented, however, and she lived on coffee, the adrenaline from kicking people with her stilettos and generally flaunting the dress code. Haunting the music and art rooms she formed a band of the elite who joined her in taking over the school stage every lunchtime complete with baby grand to recline on. Generally being where she shouldn't became an art form. Moving out whilst still at school was somewhat of a challenge for the young woman, and certainly her second apartment in the west end of Glasgow was somewhat more of an achievement, giving her the opportunity to hone her tea-making skills and collect a few more pairs of shoes whilst studying English literature and Politics at the University of Glasgow, not a mere five minutes walk away. Behind her she left the many nails of her boat pictures, which are still preserved and available to view on our Tour of Caged Liberty for a small fee.
Now four and three-quarters minutes away from university, and not yet twenty years of age, when not visiting burlesque clubs and scowling at strangers she lives alongside a fine damsel in a castle of tea and does not wear cat ears around the house.
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Unlike the photo suggests, Josquire is not some French mademoiselle set on revolution and perhaps the odd Gauloise. She was born in a kingless and funless kingdom in North Lanarkshire and spent her childhood mostly enjoying the works of Enid Blyton and being a bit “imaginative” although she’s sure she still has the scar from when, age 6, her friend tried to cure her with an abacus to the head; and the cassette recordings of the radio show her friends used to make once a month which mainly involved putting on English accents and being a bit of a tit.
Luckily she matured, her teenage years not spent moping around the Gallery of Modern Art but instead spent making her Zippy bag wave at passers by in Pręt a Manger and getting thrown out of Ann Summers for giggling at the posing pouches. Her favourite bands at this point were mainly on the Drive Thru and Kung Fu record labels and she was determined to dye her hair purple. At this point in her life we should also point out the blatant band geekery that defined her lifestyle, spending every lunchtime in the music department, she was in two bands and travelled everywhere… yes that does include band camp. After a small stint in a high school musical she realised that she hates musicals. Luckily she matured from this.
Her later teenage years were spent meeting internet strangers at airports and becoming an internet celebrity, both for flaming kids in chatrooms and for being one of the hallowed “Scots lot” on VR a forum that took up far too much of her time. She had discovered two of her great strengths at this point, eating large amounts and drinking tea with enough sugar to fill a sugar bowl and also the joy of wearing scarves in the summer. She was however still stuck in that dull backwater town of Wishaw, so plotted to move out. Her university life saw her meet and greet people in real life (including a Weezer fan, a Libertines fan and a Ryan Adams fan) and not through the joys of her 56k modem which was a welcome change and at this point her music taste changed for the infinitely better.
At the twilight of her teenage years, we see Josquire maturing at a startling rate: asking bands to sign ducks, inventing Joiner French, having eating competitions, meeting buskers, becoming obsessed with pirates and going to burlesque clubs. She now lives with a charming lady in the west end of Glasgow and is thoroughly glad to be free. She now wants her hair to be green.
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